My Uncle's Birthday dinner

On my last post I mentioned that I was stressed.   No, I am not sick, nor depressed but I received a few emails asking if I was Okay.   For the past few years I have been feeling this way and it gets worse as I age. I thank you for your concern.  I was separated from my sister when she was around 3 years old and I never got the opportunity to see her again.  Her birthday was February 17th and every year when this date rolls around it gets me thinking about what could have been if life were kinder . . .

   My Sister Louise                 circa 1951 approx  

A couple of weeks ago I received an email from my favourite Uncle which greatly distressed me.   It was a big letter birthday and he had invited a couple of close friends and the rest of his immediate family and siblings.   Of course he expected me to attend and I hesitated for nearly a week without answering his RSVP email.  You must know that he is my favourite Uncle & Aunt.  We get along great and I wouldn’t even think about missing his birthday.   He used to live in Toronto and when he came to Vancouver he would always call and we would get together for dinner and chat the night away.

   Ural Patrol  2 WD

He retired a few years ago and decided that the cold winters of Ontario were not condusive to a good retirement atmosphere so he sold his ranch and horses and moved to sunny Campbell River.  When we were “back East” we would visit him in Barrie, ON where he had his practice.   After he settled in Campbell River we welcomed him to BC and went to visit him.  We spent the weekend getting acquainted again while sightseeing in the area.  We spent a couple of days exploring and drove to Gold River & Tahsis.  We visited him again a couple of years ago and if we are ever in his area we would certainly drop in and say hello.

My Uncle comes to Vancouver often as his Daughter (My Cousin) lives just north of Vancouver in Squamish, BC.   Whenever he comes over from Campbell River to the Mainland (Vancouver) he would always call to let us know.   Because he comes over during special times, such as Christmas we don’t feel like imposing during his family time but the point is that he always lets us know he is in town.   And we would naturally do the same thing.  I would not think of not  seeing him whenever he is close.

I mean, where is all this leading ?   He is my favourite Uncle and it’s his birthday so of course why should I be stressed about going or not going.  To tell you the truth I was not going to go.

    1969 Honda CB350

I know that life is not always a bowl of cherries.   Life isn’t perfect but it was perfect for me for my first 8 years until my parents decided to separate.  It is very unusual in Asian homes, it’s just something that does not happen.  Let me say that I am happy now with my current family but I must still have a lot of hurt inside for the past, and what happened.   Recently I scolded Sash (Tina) for always mentioning the past and to move ahead in her life.   To move forward look towards the future.   She has written about it here . . .

I don’t say much about my past but I suppose I am not over what happened to me and how cruel life can be.  It is always in the back of my mind and I am saddened when I see happy homes and families having fun together, the closeness and looking forward to getting together again for holidays, Christmas, Thanksgiving.

I was reminded again of my unhappy life on February 17^th.  Every year on this day I think of the life I never had.  The sister that was taken from me when I was only around 8 years old.  The sister that I never had the chance to see again.  My only memories are a couple of cherished photos and the times we used to play on the floor in our kitchen before our parents parted ways.   I remained in Vancouver with my dad, and my sister went to live with my mother.  Eventually my Mom moved back to London, ON where she was from.

Every year I would get presents from her on my Birthday or for Christmas but these were always sent back and eventually they stopped coming.   Life goes on and many years pass.   I was 8, then I was 27 years old, married with a young 3 year old daughter.  I mean, where does the time go ?    I decided that it was time for me to “find” my Mother and Sister.   This was around 1973 and there was no internet but my job at that time was “skip tracing” so off to the Library I went.  Scouring Voter’s lists, City Directories, Phone books and I narrowed it down to a few possible names.

I found them and over the weeks we did phone a few times back and forth and I decided I would fly to Toronto, where they were living and spend our vacation with them.  Actually Weston & Sheppard area just north/west of the City.    I also had a chance to meet many Uncles, Aunts & cousins who lived in London, ON

It felt strange to be under the same roof as my Mother whom I had not seen for so many years.  She had a new family now with two daughters but I never saw my sister as she drove across the country but I talked to her on the phone when she phoned me from Vancouver.    I thought I would be able to meet her another time but as fate would have it, she passed away a few months later from an infection.  I would never get to meet my younger sister.  I am saddened every time I think of it.  I have guilt feelings of not attending her funeral but funds were tight back then.  I am getting teary-eyed again just thinking about it, and every February 17^th I am reminded again as this was her birthday

   Louise          (2nd of only 2 photos I have)  

I thought that I had a family in Toronto where I could visit and perhaps stay for a time.   It was arranged the following year that I would come to Toronto and stay for the summer. 

It was something that I just had to do.  I was trying to fill a void in my life, enjoy a family life I never had.  Just to feel wanted . . .

Since I needed a car while I was there I decided to drive across Canada by myself.   It took me 3 nights and four days and I arrived in Weston, on Thursday afternoon.  You guessed it.  My Uncle, yes the one who lives in Campbell River and whom invited me to his birthday dinner was temporarily living there too.  We shared the basement and spent a lot of time together that summer.   I don’t think I am closer to any other Uncle . . .  He was like the brother that I never had.  We even look alike

   Scooterchick/Pat & Scootard/Chris                    Squamish, BC    June 2012

Adjusting to being part of a Family and having a couple of sisters took a while.  Being alone for so long I was just not used to all the rules, but I did settle in and I thought I had discovered the Family that I never had, if only for a few months.   Soon it was time to think about heading home back to Vancouver.   Mrs Skoot flew out to Toronto with our daughter for a week and we hopped in the car for our long drive across the Country back to our West End apartment in Vancouver.

I thought that I had accomplished my goal of reuniting with my Mother, my new family and two sisters whom I had never met nor knew existed.  I was contented to know that I was now finally part of a family.  To feel wanted, to belong . . .   This was back around 1974ish.   I also went back to Weston (Toronto) during 1988 for a short visit and it felt nice to have a welcoming family.  That’s what I thought at the time

It turns out that my Mom’s new husband was an old friend of the family whom I used to call “Uncle”.  That’s the way it was back then when you met older people.  You always gave them respect so Uncle it was.   When my parents were together he used to visit when we had gatherings.  He is from Vancouver so his family is here, brothers & sisters.

I found out several times when he came to Vancouver to visit his family but he only gave us a quick phone call from the Airport as he was waiting for his flight home.  There was never enough time for us to drive to the Airport to physically see him.  I suppose that’s the way he planned it.   He didn’t really want to see us at all.  That’s the way I feel.

  Bobskoot ,   Scooterchick  &  Scootard                     Howe Sound Brewery, Squamish BC   June 2012

Another time he came to visit his brother who was ill in the hospital.  He did phone from Coquitlam but he said he did not have time to see us, even though he had been in town for 2 weeks.  It’s not like I couldn’t drive to Coquitlam and we could talk in the cafeteria for a few minutes.   If there’s a will then there will be a way, this I know.  But he had no will . . .

Now remember that my Mom was still living in Toronto during the time I bumped into a  “cousin” at the Night Market.   He mentioned that my Mom was going on an Alaskan Cruise and would be here in September (a few years ago), and this was around July.   Imagine how bad I felt that he knew this and my Mom never told or phoned me.  I waited for months to hear from her, but she never called.  So this was when I decided that I wasn’t part of this family anymore.   I mean how can you come all this way across the Country and not let me know you are going to be here ?   I had to pretend that I knew but I had a big hurt inside that upsets me when I think of it.  

  Mile Zero, Trans Canada Highway    Victoria, BC                              May 2011

Hang on a bit longer, I know it’s about my Uncle’s Birthday dinner but I’m trying to give you a bit of background without going into too much detail.  Believe me, I’m leaving lots out.

September came and went with no sign or phone calls from my Mom.  I am of the belief that they don’t want me in their life so I can only do what I can and I try to remove my Mom from my life too.  I pretend that she doesn’t exist.   During this time she also moved (from Toronto) and now lives in Burnaby and I pass within a block from where she lives during my commute home from work but I feel no attachment and have no desire to see her.  Actually the last time I saw her was April, 2000, nearly 13 years ago

There’s my dilemma.  My Mom is my Uncle’s Sister.  It’s my Uncle’s Birthday and she will be there too.   I told myself years ago that I never wanted to see her again but my love for my Uncle is giving me mixed emotions.   I have butterflies just thinking how this is all going to turn out as our dinner is this coming Saturday.  Since I never replied to my Uncle’s RSVP email, he phoned me the other day and I said that “I would be there (gulp) . . . “

  My BMW R1200R         Steveston, BC                       September 2012

I have been holding in a lot of hurt and perhaps it’s therapeutic, maybe I am looking at things the wrong way .   I may seem jovial but I get hurt easily.   I am fast to interpret and judge people and form opinions from what I observe.  I was recently reminded of this from two close friends recently on my trip last month.    I hope I haven’t destroyed any friendships along the way.  I think you know who you are.   Perhaps now you will understand why I have a need to feel belonged and the reason that I like to meet people, be social and empathize with you if things are not working out.

I understand how it feels to be alone.  No, I’m not talking about my present family.  I am talking about the parents I never had,  my sister whom I never saw again, the fact that I always had to work to earn my own money, buy my own clothes.  I never had much support during my growing years.   I ran away from home when I thought I wasn’t being fairly treated by my step-mom and no one cared enough about me to call me at work to see what happened.   I have suffered with rejection all my life and being rejected by your own family hurts the most.

My thoughts are bubbling over but I may have said too much already.  I’m not sure I should have even gone this far.   I feel a special bond with many of you, perhaps I am searching for the family that I never had.